The man of light never looks back.

- M.R. Bawa Muhaiyaddeen

[I transcribed and paraphrased the following material from the program, "Forgiveness for Good," by Dr. Fred Luskin of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project. There is great information here, although there are even more dimensions that can be explored. I hope to go into this more soon . . .

Note: The following information is about forgiving others, as opposed to asking for forgiveness for our own mistakes.]

Quotes:

·        Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom. – Hannah Arendt

·        One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. And that word is love. – Sophocles

Steps:

1. Know what happened.

2. Forgiveness is for you.

3. Understand what forgiveness is and isn’t.

4. Forgiveness is for today.

5. Practice stress management.

6. Recognize the unenforceable rule.

7. A life well-lived is your best revenge.

8. Learn to look for love, beauty and kindness.

9. Amend your grievance story.

·        First 4 steps are a preparation to forgive.

·        Last 3 steps are the most important.

·        Forgiveness is a central part of who we are because being hurt is a central part of who we are.

·        We stay in a room called “hurt.” We may not have started this room, but we maintain it.  It may be comfortable / familiar to stay there, but opening and leaving it feels better.

Step 1: Know what happened.

·        We can’t just rush to forgiveness. We must know what it is that we are forgiving.  We must face what hurts in order to heal – an act of great courage and strength that is not easy.  It is incredibly powerful to know what you are forgiving.

a.      Know what happened; be clear and emphatic – this happened to me, and it’s not okay.  Do not say, “This happened to me, and it’s okay.” It is not okay. Saying “it’s not okay,” however, is also not a reason to lose the rest of your life. 

b.      Know how you feel – I am hurt, this is what happened, this is how I feel, this is my experience, and I am worthy of having these experiences. I don’t have to deny / suppress my feelings.

c.      Before you forgive, talk about what happened – tell a few people that you trust. There is nothing shameful about having been hurt.  Join with your common humanity that has had these experiences – to feel and forgive.

Step 2: Forgiveness is for you.

for your healing . . . for you, about you, to you, with you – your gift to you.  The hurt is free.  Healing, however, takes work, initiative and practice.

·        It is not about . . .

the person who hurt you

whether life is fair

whether things are going to work out for you

·        Knowing what forgiveness is IS making peace . . . for you, in your life. Life includes hurt, disappointment, mistreatment, unkindness.  But you are strong, worthy, deep and powerful enough to live in that world and make peace and continue to love.

·        You do not have to become bitter, despair or lose your sense of center. You do not have to reconcile with someone who hurt you or see them again. You don’t have to go back and say ‘I love you’ or ‘I forgive you.’  After great pain / difficulty (ex. abuse) you can say that what you did is such that I am done with you in life; I do not wish to carry you with me in any way; so my heart is open and you are out of it. But I forgive you, so I can move forward to the rest of my life.”

·        This is just as important and powerful as saying to a relationship, “I want you back. You made a mistake, you hurt me like crazy, and I am willing to work through my pain and join with you to get you back.”

Step 3: Understand what forgiveness is and isn’t.

Forgiveness is independent of whether you want them back or not. It’s for you. Misconceptions:

You have to say that what happened is okay.   – It is not okay.

You have to get back with person.

Also, it doesn’t mean that you can’t go to court / sue them / get child support, etc. if this is what is needed.

·        BUT you do it without becoming bitter, so that you don’t have to rent out half your mind to hating them and the other half to deal with the medications you are taking for the consequences of holding all the anxiety, etc.

·        And when you know what forgiveness is and isn’t, and you know it’s for you, you may decide this (relationship) is or isn’t for you.

Step 4: Forgiveness is for today.

·        Forgiveness is only for you, today, because you hurt today.

·        Even though the painful event is in the past, your healing is only in the present.

·        “Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” 

·        Decide today that you are done letting the past dominate you, so that you can have a life today. Leave the past.

·        You forgive to get your life back – the ability to love, your health and well-being.

·        Release them from owning your heart, minute by minute.

The benefits of forgiveness are profound – reflected in better health, emotional well being, calmness, better relationships . . . but it touches your center. If not sacred, deeply connected to what it is to be a human being. Our skin, physically and emotionally is very thin. We exist on some degree of grace that things don’t hurt us more than they do . . . in a degree of vulnerability.

It is very insecure to be a human being. The more you love and trust, the more vulnerable you are.  We can’t make anyone love us or treat us well.

Our very essence as humans is vulnerable. Learning how to cope with that vulnerability is the central psychological task of our life. Learning how to deal with it, to be at peace, to adapt, sometimes learning how to fight it. Dealing with fact that we don’t have the ability to guarantee our own health/safety or that of our loved ones means that it is a real challenge to be a being human. How we deal with it dramatically impacts our health. That is why forgiveness is so crucial.

‘Holding’ wears you out, and the people who are there for you.

When really painful things happen, and we get over them, we announce in huge sky-writing, “I survived, I am okay, I learned something, and I am stronger.” If you don’t do that, if you stay locked in the past, afraid that someone will do this again, you do damage to your cardiovascular system, immune system, nervous system and all the organs of your body that respond to stress (which is ALL of them). There is not one cell in the body that doesn’t respond to stress chemicals.  If you didn’t cope with fear the first time, you are constantly dealing with it in the present. IF you don’t resolve stuff from the past, you don’t build self-confidence for the present and future.  It eats at you . . . literally – physically and emotionally, saying over and over, “You couldn’t handle me, and how are you going to handle what might come?!”  So you must be more scared, more bitter or more covered up, because you have to hide. If you get over the hurts, by forgiving, you say, “I’m still standing, still loving, still trusting.” Your emotional outlook improves remarkably.

Study at Stanford Univ.:

·        Brought various genders, age groups, etc. of Irish Protestants and Catholics who have been at odds through decades of violence (loss of many lives) for one week to show them that even this can be forgiven.

·        After only one week of being together, they felt less depressed, less angry, more optimistic, more forgiving, more vital physically (almost 20% improvement in sleep, energy, appetite, etc.) less stress and fewer symptoms of stress (back aches, neck aches, muscle tensions, etc.)

·        Also looked at people with more normal lives: they showed the same patterns of results in the same direction.

·        We must all develop this muscle (forgiveness). Our health will improve. When we are not forgiving, we are scared.

·        When we forgive, we build confidence, as opposed to saying, “That’s tough and I can’t handle it.”

First 4 steps are about preparing to forgive.

Step 5: Practice stress management.

A way of making sure your body doesn’t get hijacked every single time you remember someone who hurt you.

Exercise:

a. Take 2 slow deep breaths.

b. On the third inhalation, open your heart to love (by thinking of someone/thing beautiful in your life, that announces love to you).

c. Hold the feeling of Love in your heart for a few moments.

·        By doing this, you shut down your body’s stress. “Even though I may have remembered something hurtful, I am still smiling / loving.” This gives you the power, not them. You no longer get hijacked.

Step 6: Recognize the unenforceable rule.

·        So simple that it is hard to do.

·        What are you trying to make different that already happened or actually is? Anytime we insist that our life turn out differently than it actually did, we are asking for trouble.

·        This is where we ask for forgiveness.  How do we allow life to just be, as it is? You can’t change the past, but you can live fully in the present.

·        Last 3 steps are the most important – having nothing to do with the person that hurt you. About getting your life back.  Being able to talk about your experience as if nothing painful actually happened.

Step 7: A life well-lived is your best revenge.

·        The only revenge you will ever have from someone who robbed you of your dignity, self-esteem, confidence, willingness to trust, love-ability, beauty, connection . . . is a good life. Because that is the only way that what they did won’t matter . . . that your life is so good, they don’t matter.

·        But the direct opposite is often what we do – rehearsing the hurt over and over again.

·        Nelson Mandela:  “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.”

·        We live in a vulnerable world where people, disease and events can hurt us . . . where things can be unfair or even unwarranted.  Since life doesn’t necessarily work out the way we want, it’s an amazing blessing when it does. Put all your energy, attention and effort in being awake and ready for good things, for the people who love you. Love them to death.

·        All love is a freely chosen act. No one has to be kind, or love you, or treat you fairly, or be what you want him or her to be. When they are, they are giving you a gift from their heart.  Don’t minimize it because of painful past experiences. You don’t know how many moments like that you are going to get. Do you pay attention to them, or stay in blame / the past?

·        Because we don’t control other people, they can hurt us. Because we don’t control other people, they can love us.  Love freely given is the best gift you will ever get. And you can never pay enough attention to it. And you can never be too thankful for it.

·        Love the gift, the attempt, the offering; be open to it, because you don’t know how long it will last.

·        Focus on beauty, kindness, love, gratefulness, appreciation, giving, connecting . . . not on what you didn’t get.

Step 8: Learn to look for love, beauty and kindness.

·        Similar to step 7, but involves a little more action

·        Was there something really important to you that you were not given? Let the person off the hook who didn’t give it to you. Stop asking them for it. Let them go. Kiss them goodbye, in your heart, so that you can be free to find it where it might actually want to be given to you.

·        Find someone that wants to give to you what you value / want.

·        Get your needs met when you have a chance, because you deserve it.

·        It’s foolish to squeeze someone to love you when they can’t. You feel helpless.

·        Look for love in the right places, where it’s possible, not in all the wrong places.

·        Get over the choices that other people make, and don’t let them stop you from getting the most out of your life.

·        Find what is really important to you – love, health, safety, connection, meaning, good work? Deal realistically with the disappointment when you don’t get these things, but don’t stop looking to have them met.

Step 9:  Amend your grievance story.

·        ‘Telling your positive intention story’

·        Make sure the story you tell about yourself is not about them.

·        Who are you? What did you lose? Who do you want to become? Where do you want to go?

·        Take back the power you gave them to hurt you.

·        Can you speak as if you matter? As if it’s your story and not theirs? As if you are going to take what you have learned and become stronger?

·        Can you say that there’s more to you than the pain you felt, or the unfairness / harshness in the world, and tell a story of heroism?

·        The alternative is the victim – “poor me, it’s unfair, I’ll never get over them.”

·        Stop telling the story of helplessness and start telling the story of your struggle, your recovery, the blessings in your life, what you discovered – talking about what is important to you and not about them. Then you will know that you have forgiven and gotten your life back, and you don’t need them anymore to keep you down.

·        People who can’t forgive keep on telling their story of what happened to make sure that they are not responsible for their lives, or to explain why they haven’t gotten everything out of life or why life isn’t fair. What you want to explain is how you coped, recovered and made the decision that your life is precious . . . that your willingness to trust, love and connect is alive and well. Tell the next person you see how you are going to be a hero.

·        Leave the past and talk about the present and the future. Forgiveness is in the present. Through forgiveness, you get your life back and everything gets better.